Mind Chaos
12 Aug 2014I’ve never been so frustrated.
I sat in a meeting for over 2 hours today where my juniors, juniors by more than 8-10 years, have talked things that sounded like Latin to me. They were talking about product development, cloud deployment, architectural features, storage and browser optimization, testing tools, version control systems, saas and pass conventions, code review processes, … computers and coding and software and IT. Giant dispair.
Not that I never sat in a meeting like this before. But I’ve never been so frustrated before.
Sometime ago, I wrote a similar scribble and published for public view. It was about not letting the system and concept of education touch me. My life has become worse from bad after coming out of university system. Nothing to blame the system, I suppose. Because the same system is still producing a lot of other potential employees for today’s globalized world (whether we like it or not) and today’s corporate world (whether I like it or not). There is something wrong with me at the subconscious level.
But I’ve never been so frustrated, ever, with myself. Especially because I proved myself hundredth time that I have never made an effort to learn a thing that gives me a conventional identity. For this topic at least, the conventional identity I am talking about is a computer programmer’s identity.
I had over 12 years very much in my hands after I realized that the world needed programmers, software developers, data analysts. Of course with a scientific bent and scientific educational background, preferably with technical degree. Unlike mine! I didn’t ever bother to use a minute of that frustratingly long time span.
I had a minimum of 8 years still in my own hands after I directly witnessed my friends and peers choosing the world of technology, while I preferred basic sciences to anything that had to do with the two letters - IT. It was almost 8 years ago, I should have thought, there could be a reason why the whole young world moved towards a thing which I couldn’t smoothly come in terms with.
I had at least 5 years in the same hands after I found out that my mathematical skills would take me nowhere. Being a traditional programmer is far too unspeakable, but I utterly flunked at planning my own life, including monthly budget. Something was gradually making incapable of simplest things, rather periodically. Never afforded learning math, never attempted being logical in life.
I had exactly 4 years with me after I came to know another thing. The communication skills I though I possessed were awfully insufficient to be employed in roles where my communication could be applied. Never tried to be aggressive and creative enough to make a significant contribution to a company’s business communications.
I had over 3 years after I realized that if I didn’t work out on transforming myself into a tech guy with programming skills, I should at least work on getting myself certified on technical aspects of contemporary corporate world. Such as regulatory affairs, project management, science communication, technical writing, quality assurance, proposal management, etc. Never worked enough on it too.
I had a week after I sincerely thought of beginning to learn the invincible C-language. This is a growth in my thought process, I am forced to say, especially after having tried my hands at learning Maxima, Python and R. Other than installing a compiler and an IDE, besides downloading some very interesting ebooks, I haven’t done much. Never thought I could come up til here though.
I had a couple of hours after I was confirmed to be a layman in this world, who either doesn’t have a space to stand, or has all the barren land to live on. I could have forgotten this frustration within this time, like I almost always did.
For a striking whip on my back, I thought I should keep reminding myself of what I have done with so much of time in my life. This helps particularly because it is in public. Not that a lot of them come to read it here, but the sense of public view might keep me awake. I know I am taking a big risk.
I never imagined not being logical would matter so much for life. I never imagined my most cherished dearest emotions would stand against me and ruthlessly throw me in the market place as an insignificant, unusable, rugged, and rusted lifeless utensil.
More seriously, I never imagined that not learning programming and IT skills would make me feel so out of place. Philosophy was perhaps once the subject that transcending all the known topics on this planet, all that was possible within human mind. I feel it is all about computers and computing now, no more philosophizing.
In the process of deepening my frustration, scratching crazily on my wounds and intensifying my pain, which I seemed to have been quite enjoying lately, I felt one thing. Either of the facts is trues.
- I must have chosen a domain where I don’t belong.
- I must have never realized where I really belonged.
- I must have spent my time in thinking too hard instead of trying hard enough to belong somewhere.
While I complete writing this, hopefully without having edit it again, I feel another thing. An epic transformation process is on the way. That said, I sound like I am still waiting for something else to happen. Giving up on emotions to build up on logical self, thereby substantiating an unshakable balance between them. This is perhaps all about enlightenment.
Anyway, let me not even utter such words from now. Focus on action, not on beautifying their essence. It doesn’t need talking. It actually shouldn’t have any talking. It is all about just doing.
And doing … and doing!